Allies, Enemies & Listening

If you are anything like me you probably feel the urge to “fix” during a lot of conversations where people are explaining their problems, concerns, or frustrations to you! I can think of literally hundreds and potentially thousands of examples where this has played out in my life. One of these examples I remember pretty vividly as it marked a significant lesson that I learned within my marriage, a lesson that only took me about 7 ½ years of marriage to learn. Yes, I can be a little stubborn! Several years ago Tiffany came home from work and had a lot to share about a problem she was facing. As she began to talk, instead of listening, I began to assess the situation and work towards a solution in my mind. As the solution was worked out in my mind, I interrupted her mid-sentence and shared my solution with her. I know, rude, right? My solution made a lot of assumptions that I didn’t investigate, it was short and quick and right to the point, which is often how my personality perceives and engages with information. The truth is, I was wrong, dead wrong. Of course, like we often do, I formulated a solid self-justification reasoning that naturally held me up as a hero at that moment even though I was really being a jerk at that moment. My thought process was something along the lines of “I know where she’s going and where we are going to end up, I’m just going to get us there a little bit quicker”. I’m aware of how dumb that is but at the moment I genuinely convinced myself that I was serving both of our best interests by turning an hour-long conversation into 10 minutes freeing us both up to spend that extra 50 minutes doing something we’d both enjoy. What was an opportunity to listen to my wife and become an ally at that moment, had turned into my for at least that moment becoming an enemy by not listening. 

I left that conversation, walked into the other room, sat down, and grabbed whatever book I was reading at the moment, very proud of what I had just done. That sense of accomplishment faded pretty quickly as I felt the nudge of the Holy Spirit, saying something along the lines of, “How do you think that went”? As I reflected on that, I came to the realization that what I had just communicated to my wife, whom I love deeply, is that 50 minutes of free time to do what I wanted to do was more valuable to me than she was! YIKES, that was definitely not my intention, but my assumptions and my inability to listen left her left with her feeling, unseen, unheard, and not valued! I made the 10 steps walk back into the living room which felt like 10 miles and asked her to forgive me. I wish I could say this was a one-and-done situation that will never happen again but that wouldn’t be true. To be sure, the lesson that I learned that day has been a lesson that I’m continuing to learn more and more as each year passes with my beautiful bride! Tiffany is by far the greatest blessing the Lord has ever given me, and I truly mean that. I often reflect on how God outdid himself when he connected me with her. She’s been a source of so much of God’s kindness towards me and she regularly stirs up my affections for Jesus and reminds me of His love and affirmation of me as a son of God! 

This story is an example of one of my relationships and the importance of listening and how listening or not listening can create allies or enemies. We all have relationships, and many of us really struggle with listening within those relationships. For some it could be that we live at such a fast pace we haven’t taken the time to truly be a good listener. For others, we’ve not learned to listen to God or ourselves and therefore haven’t learned to listen to anyone else, either! Assumption often feels more efficient than curiosity. The problem with assumption though is even when we assume the best, what we are assuming could be the furthest thing from the truth. Wrong assumptions even when they are the best assumptions in the world have the potential for leaving the people in our lives feeling misunderstood, unknown, and hurt! What would it look like for us to move towards one another with a compassionate curiosity? I believe and have observed how doing so, both invite allies into our lives and also creates space for us to become allies in the lives of those we love and value the most. 

We live in a culture that demands that we make assumptions and often the worse assumptions of those around us. We are continually conditioned to think and act in a similar manner. One that must have an instant response to every single thing that happens. Often our responses aren’t sourced from a deeply reflective and prayerful posture but a posture of hostility, a posture that creates enemies out of people without ever really knowing what they actually think or believe because we assume way too much about them! The way of Jesus offers a different approach. Scripture is filled with encouragement such as Proverbs 15:1 which says,  “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but harsh words stir up anger.” Another passage of scripture that I love is Matthew 26. Jesus is standing before Caiphas and the Counsel of leaders trying to kill him, they’re making false assumptions and accusations about Jesus and His response in verses 63 and 64 fascinates me. Scripture says, “But Jesus remained silent. And the high priest said to him, “I adjure you by the living God, tell us if you are the Christ, the Son of God.” Jesus said to him, “You have said so. But I tell you, from now on you will see the Son of Man seated at the right hand of Power and coming on the clouds of heaven.” Read that again slowly, Jesus who has every right to defend Himself because He literally had done nothing wrong, but doesn’t! He remains silent, and in the face of assumption and accusation says, “You have said so.” This past Sunday, Pastor Kurt said that “Jesus relieves the burden of having to answer every accusation or speak on every matter”. And to that I say a huge, thanks be to God! You can listen to this specific sermon entitled Learning to Listen, HERE.

Perhaps you are like me and you are exhausted by the demands from within our culture to be outraged and you find it often difficult to listen and be listened to. I have a growing desire to know and be known. I have a story, we all do, and we desperately have a need for that story to be heard and held, safely. That can not and will not happen until we learn to listen to each other. Listening to each other invites intimacy and creates allies. Not listening to each other invites outrage and creates enemies! Jesus in His sermon on the Mount recorded in the Gospel of Matthew says this in chapter 5 and verse 3, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. Rich Villodas, the Pastor of New Life Fellowship Church in Queens New York said of those who are poor in spirit that they have nothing to prove, protect, or possess. How much of our relational conflict comes from feeling the pressure to prove,  protect or possess. The invitation of Jesus is an invitation to become poor in spirit. My NASB bible notes say this of being poor in spirit, “those who are not spiritually arrogant”. And I wonder what it would look like if you and I would grow more spiritually humble and less spiritually arrogant in a way that allows other people to be where they are on their journey with Jesus and in a way that fully allows us to be present to where we are on our journey with Jesus! I believe this will free us up to listen, truly listen in a way that respects the humanity of the people we are listening to, and instills dignity in them as image-bearers of God who should be and need to be heard!

The greatest gift we can give the people around us is our presence having been transformed by Jesus. Our transformed presence becomes a transforming presence in the lives of those around us. A massive aspect of this becoming our reality is our learning to listen. Learning to listen to God, ourselves, and to those around us! We need allies, we need relational intimacy, we need to share our stories and hold the stories of those around us. We need the spirit of God to teach us to be poor in spirit. That's my prayer today for myself and for you as you journey with Jesus. Grace and peace to you! 

Submitted by: Matt Korte