Lessons from Grief

I find myself right in the middle of a season filled with much grief. I know that I’m not alone in that, and I have written and spoken on this topic before but this season has been filled with so much learning about myself, God, and others and much of this learning has come through grief. Many of us have experienced and are experiencing grief in ways that are very personal. We’ve lost family members due to covid or a myriad of other reasons both expected and unexpected. We’ve lost friends due to healthy boundaries, political passions, and cultural insensitivity. We’ve lost jobs that we loved and maybe even jobs that we hated but that provided for us and our families. We’ve lost contact with people that we once were very deeply connected with. Perhaps our losses aren’t even this tangible. Sometimes these are easy to identify as a loss but some of the more emotional losses we don’t feel the freedom to grieve. For example, the loss that is associated between our expectations of relationships and circumstances and the reality of our relationships and circumstances. There are multitudes of ways that we are uniquely experiencing loss, but there are also some collective ways we are experiencing loss. 

This past season we all experienced the same thing at the same time in experiencing a loss of normalcy. Sure the implications may be unique to us and our circumstances and perspectives but everything changed and it changed very quickly. Consequently, we have changed and are changing, the people around us have changed and are changing. In some ways, we may experience these changes in very positive ways as there were probably some things about us that needed to change. In other ways, we may experience these changes in very negative ways and changes have brought about things that seem undesirable and outside of our ability to control. This season of life has brought about many transitions, again some that we celebrate, some that we mourn, and some that we may be indifferent about. With each change and each transition, there are things to gain and there are things to lose. I often find myself conflicted with excitement about what is ahead and saddened by what is behind, and I don’t think I'm alone in that. 

In many ways, the loss of entire people groups has been felt by many of us and displayed in ways that we may identify as appropriate and in ways that seem incredibly inappropriate. No matter what side of the political spectrum you find yourself on there was loss and gain associated with the transition from President Trump to President Biden. No matter what your views on Black Lives Matter as an organization there has been loss and gain associated with what we have all been experiencing in very different ways in regards to race relations within our country and culture.  I’d like to submit that many of the responses that we are seeing and many of the responses that we may even be having are sourced in loss and are the outworking of grief. Sure we can find problems with them depending on our perspective, political affinity, and life experiences but the reality of loss and grief still persists. 

Grief always surfaces. We can try our best to circumvent it, to avoid it, or maybe even escape from it but it’s a constant pursuer and always surfaces. Loss is real, loss is painful, loss is very very hard. The implications of grief may vary from person to person and loss to loss but the reality of grief is ever-present. I don't know about you but how to process grief and respond to loss wasn’t a part of my human development or spiritual formation. If it was yours, then praise the Lord. I’ve had to learn a lot of hard lessons about loss and grief and at different times even live with the consequences of the ways my unprocessed grief has surfaced in ways that have hurt other people. Grief is messy and complex. It can feel very overwhelming and even isolating. Scripture speaks much about loss and grief and I'm seeing more and more the ways God uses loss and grief in my life to shape me and draw me to Him. I’m no expert, but I’ve definitely been the student of grief over the past couple of years in ways I would have never chosen for myself, in ways that have been deeply painful, but also in ways that have culminated in a lot of trust and joy in God. Here are a few of the lessons I’m learning:

Loss is painful & Grief is hard 

There is no other way to describe it for me. Loss in any format sucks. Unprocessed pain doesn’t go away and healing doesn’t always come with time. Loss and grief are really painful and really difficult and have a lot of implications for every day of our lives. I’m learning that there is a difference sometimes between problems that need to be solved and tensions that need to be held. Sometimes trying to circumvent the reality of our pain and the reality of our loss actually prolongs our healing and maybe even works against it. What would it look like to call it what it is and relate to it as a real and difficult reality? 

Grief is a process and not an event 

I’m learning that there is a difference between problems that need to be solved and tensions that need to be held. This isn’t only in relation to grief but it certainly has implications for grief. Grief is not a date that we set on our calendar, get ready for, and arrive at. This is very frustrating to me as I LIVE AND DIE BY MY CALENDAR and for a lot of years I avoided the process of grief by manufacturing grief on my time frame and in the very specific ways that I wanted to grieve. It doesn’t work like that though, does it? Grief shows up for me at the most inopportune times and in the most uncomfortable ways. Sometimes it's a conversation, a memory, or an observation that floods me with grief. 

In many ways, I'm right in the middle of a season where I feel inundated and overwhelmed with lots of grief. It feels as if grief has sought me out and even with my best attempts at hiding from it or tricking myself into believing I grieved because I made time for it, here I am feeling the weight of grief once again for a lifetime of losses that have not been identified as such or grieved. What would it look like to give yourself the freedom to grieve? Not to seek it out, because who would do such a thing to themselves, but to welcome it as it comes and slow down enough to embrace the process of grief. 

There is already so much work out there on what this process of Grief looks like, but the reality is that grief looks so different for each individual and each loss that it’s really hard to pinpoint a step-by-step process. This may be the reason I avoid it altogether and perhaps some of the reason you do as well. Grief takes trust, and trust in grief is hard because it usually requires us to trust God whom we feel is responsible for the loss in the first place. Grief is a process, feel the feelings, express the pain, communicate the needs, invite people into your grief and give yourself time.

Grief can be isolating, but it doesn’t have to be. 

Loss for the most part is experienced individually. Even when I’m experiencing loss with other people I’m responding to it uniquely because I’m interpreting it uniquely etc. Even though loss is processed so uniquely depending on the person and circumstance the grace of God has given us people to invite into the process of grief. I lost some of you! 

If you are like me you’re already flooded with a list of reasons why you would never invite someone into your process of grief. That requires vulnerability and who has time for that, am I right? Inviting others into your grief requires trusting someone else with our story and our pain and as we’ve done that we’ve been deeply hurt and perhaps even wounded. I share many of these experiences with you. You may not be able to share vulnerably with everyone in your life, but seek out the people that you can share vulnerably with. Spend some time honestly evaluating your feelings and your needs and communicate them clearly to those in your life that you know love you and want what is best for you. What I do not mean is find the people who are only going to tell you all the things you would be delighted to hear, but those who even when they have something hard to say to you do it with the utmost care, respect, and love for you! Everyone may not be “your people” and that is ok, but find your people and let them know what you need and how they can help carry your grief with you. 

God is Good, even in my Grief

Even this statement is challenging at times, isn’t it? The questions come fiercely. If God is so good why did this loss happen in the first place? If God loves me why am I feeling so much pain? If God is so near, why does He feel so distant? All of these are very valid questions. For too many years of my life, I have lived in a way that wouldn’t dare ask God these questions. It’s almost as if I believed that God wouldn’t know I felt this way if I just didn’t say anything about it! That is silly, I know, but how often do you find yourself believing the same lies? 

Lament has been the grace of God in my life and has provided me a way to honestly wrestle with God about what I’m feeling while at the same time remind myself about the truth’s of God’s character, not as a way to avoid the hard realities but to hold the tension of the two before Him. God’s goodness can seem impossible amidst difficult circumstances but that doesn’t make His goodness any less a part of who He is. God is good, God is love, God is truth, God is near not because my circumstances reflect that reality, but because it’s His very nature. These aren’t things that God does, this is who God is. Lament gives me a place to honestly process the difficulty of pain, loss, and grief in tension with a loving, holy, and good God. If you are like me and Lament wasn’t a part of your discipleship may I recommend a book that has a profound impact on me in understanding the grace of God expressed through lament? The book is “Dark Clouds, Deep Mercy” by Mark Vroegup. 

Additionally, something that has frustrated me about the reality of grief that I’m learning more and more to embrace as evidence of God’s grace is the reality that grief comes in waves. While I’d prefer it all to come at one time so that I can attend the event and move on I would cripple under the weight of that. God has been kind to me to send grief in waves according to his infinite wisdom and kindness towards me. While I wouldn’t have chosen this as part of a grief process that I would have control over, I have learned to feel God’s kindness and nearness as a result. 

Grief has been the stage where I’m continually seeing  Psalm 34:18, which says “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit” play out. I believe these words more deeply and have experienced them more personally through grief and I pray the same will be true for you! 

Submitted by: Matt Korte