Take the Risk, AGAIN
My chest begins to tighten, something as easy and natural as breathing feels extremely difficult, my heart begins to beat as if it could rip right out of my chest, my mind wandering to and fro, my body overwhelmed by the anxiety birthed from the risk of being vulnerable. Panic attacks, lately seem like a familiar friend, the kind that you know for ages. Sure they come and go, but you pick up exactly where you left off! This friend though doesn’t bring comfort, but conflict. Not the usual conflicts of life, I oddly really appreciate those, but whose very presence rushes with an internal conflict from hell. Who am I? What am I doing here? What is wrong with me? Who cares? Questions crashing through my body like the waves on a stormy sea!
This familiar friend has shown up each time I have sat at my MacBook to write! A blog, a sermon, a vulnerable email, a quick text, it makes no difference, there he is full of my own insecurities, fears, shame, and anger! Vulnerability is hard for all, but nearly impossible for some! It’s always been one of if not the sole greatest assets! I’m a better husband, a better dad, a better friend, and a better Pastor when I’m vulnerable and able to bear the experience of and expression of my own neediness and the pain that accompanies it! Who am I? What am I doing here? What is wrong with me? Who cares? These questions haunt me as of late.
What do we do when our vulnerability is misunderstood, manipulated, and misused? What do we do when the sharing of our own neediness is stored in the memory banks of those who once were friends to deceptively leverage, and destructively weaponize? Vulnerability is always a risk, but this feels different! Hurt, guilt, fear, shame, anger, sadness, hurt & loneliness all mixed in a bitter cocktail showing up in my body's panic!
In the face of my hurt, harm, betrayal, and disappointment why in the hell would I take the risk again?
This has been the question playing like a broken movie reel stuck on the same scene, just replaying, replaying, and replaying again! I shudder at the potential for more pain! Pain all too often feels like a problem to be fixed, overcome, or avoided. What if it is a pathway? What if our pain is the pathway toward the relational connection our soul craves? David Benner, Christian Psychologist writes in his book, “The Gift of Being Yourself; The Sacred Call to Self Discovery”, “whatever we disown, will eventually own us”. In a follow-up book, “Surrender to Love; Discovering the Heart of Christian Spirituality” he goes on to say, “Paradoxically, no one can change until they first accept themselves as they are. Self-deceptions and an absence of real vulnerability block any meaningful transformation. It is only when I accept who I am that I dare to show you that self in all its vulnerability and nakedness. Only then do I have the opportunity to receive your love in a manner that makes a genuine difference.”
Oddly, this brings a deep comfort as I’m learning ever so slowly that the healing of my hurt doesn’t come in the avoidance of it but in the acceptance of it! Faith, wisdom, and trust is born out of my acceptance of my fears and a willingness to feel the pain of them. Humility is the gift of accepting my shame, and self-contempt and self-sabotage are the natural working out of disowning my shame!
What a reversal! The relational connection my soul craves can be found on the other end of the pain that comes from being vulnerable. Yes, I have been hurt and even harmed by being vulnerable. Yes, I have fears and shame connected to it! Yes, I am angry, and saddened by the loss of relationships. These things can be true AND love is STILL worth the risk! There is no love separate from the risk of being hurt or disappointed. In the same book, David Benner writes “Created from love, of love and for love, our existence makes no sense apart from Divine love.” In the disorientation of this bitter cocktail of my pain, I hear the voice of God inviting me to receive His love more deeply. Slowly reshaping my perspective and beliefs about pain.
Pain isn’t a problem to be avoided but a pathway, this path, again and again, leads me to a deepened receptivity of the love of God for me in Christ Jesus. Isn’t that the beauty of the cross? Christ’s pain is a pathway for you and for me to experience His love. His pain is the place of our healing, “and with His wounds, we are healed”, Isaiah 53:5.
Love is all we got, and love is all we need!
Pain and vulnerability aren’t evils to be avoided but beauty that needs to be attended to. What pains are you experiencing today? How are you avoiding these pains? What do you need to attend to them?
I don't know all of the answers, I can’t meet all of my own needs, much less the needs of my family and our Church, but I can be vulnerable about my neediness and I can ask for help! My hope is that even the vulnerability expressed and experienced within this blog becomes an invitation for you to take the risk of opening yourself up to love again, to be vulnerable again, and to take the risk, again!
Love is worth it.