I’m a Terrible Mind Reader and So Are You
My wife Tiffany and I had owned our home for eleven years without having a dishwasher. Understandably, she had reached her limit of hand washing dishes. She preferred to handle the dishwashing not because of some old fashioned belief about gender roles or anything like that, but because I made too big of a mess anytime I attempted to do so. I don’t think this was intentional, but perhaps subconsciously, it was. We had saved some resources up for a while, secured some funds through refinancing, and were finally ready to remodel our kitchen which most assuredly included the addition of a dishwasher. A lot of things were negotiable for Tiffany, but having a dishwasher was not one of them. Remodeling was a breeze thanks to a contractor friend and the entire kitchen was completed within just a couple of weeks. We finally had a dishwasher! My wife was ecstatic, and I was relieved that I wouldn’t have to hear about not having a dishwasher anymore. A few weeks had gone by and one evening after dinner Tiffany mentioned that it would be nice if I could help out with loading and unloading the dishwasher from time to time. There was an obvious and reasonable frustration that accompanied this dialogue. I was assuming that since we now had a dishwasher, washing dishes would be such an easier task for her that she would enjoy it and didn’t need my help! She was assuming that since it was so much easier now that I would be happy to jump in and help. Something we both were learning at that moment is that neither one of us was great at reading the mind of the other.
Probably sounds familiar, doesn’t it? How often do assumptions you’ve made or expectations that aren’t communicated or agreed upon cause conflict in your relationships? The exchange between Tiffany and me about a dishwasher seems pretty insignificant in the grand scheme of things but expectations play a role in all of our relationships. They play a role in how we relate to ourselves, God, and other people. Unexpressed or misunderstood expectations going unmet can lead to frustration, confusion, and even bitterness and anger. Sometimes that progression happens rather quickly, doesn’t it? Not necessarily because we want it to, but because that’s the course that uncommunicated and unmet expectations inevitably take. I was recently leading a class on Emotionally Healthy Spirituality and during the halfway point of the class I asked this question; “what is one thing you are starting to understand about yourself?”. One of the participants responded with; “I’m learning that I have been waiting for God to come through on promises that He never made to me.” That’s a pretty profound insight, isn’t it? How many of us are frustrated with God, our spouse, a child, a friend, or some other person that we are in a relationship with over our expectation that they’re going to come through on a promise that they never made to us? What role do expectations play in our relationships?
The truth of the matter is none of us are good mind readers. We can not take our relationship cues from books, movies, or tv shows in which there are authors writing manuscripts in a way that leaves no room for assumption. We live in the real world, with real people. Circumstances are ever-changing, people are ever-changing, needs are ever-changing therefore expectations are ever-changing. Assumptions are bad for relationships. All of us have been on the receiving end and the giving end of wrongful assumptions. It can be painful, can’t it? Even well-intentioned assumptions that believe the best about people can leave people feeling unknown and misunderstood when those assumptions are inaccurate. I want to encourage you to move away from assumptions and into curiosity. A curiosity that asks honest questions of ourselves and others. A curiosity that is slow to speak and quick to listen. A curiosity that encourages conversation and understanding about expectations within our relationships.
How do you feel when someone is angry, frustrated, or disappointed with you because you didn’t fulfill their expectations that weren’t even communicated, only assumed? Pete Scazzero, author of Emotionally Healthy Spirituality says that unmet and unclear expectations can create havoc in our relationships. We can’t expect people to know what we want before we say it. The problem with most expectations is that they are:
Unconscious: We may have expectations we’re not even aware of until we are disappointed by someone.
Unrealistic: We may develop unrealistic expectations by watching TV, movies, or other people/resources that give false impressions.
Unspoken: We may have never told our spouse, friend, employee what we expect, yet we are angry when our “expectations” are not met.
Un-agreed upon: We may have had our thoughts about what was expected, but those thoughts were not agreed upon by the other person.
Think about a recent simple expectation that you had of someone that went unmet and caused you to feel frustrated or disappointed in one of your relationships. This doesn’t have to be earth-shattering just something recent. Compare that unmet expectation with the list of problems with expectations above and ask these questions below about how conscious, realistic, spoken/understood, and agreed-upon these expectations were:
Conscious: Were you aware you had this expectation?
Realistic: Is this expectation realistic regarding the other person? Invite the other person into processing this. What is reasonable for you, may not be reasonable for them.
Spoken/Understood: Have you clearly spoken the expectation to them or do you think they should just know? Did they understand what you were expecting of them? Because it’s clear for you doesn’t mean it’s clear for them.
Agreed upon: Has the other person agreed to this expectation? Expectations are only valid when they have been agreed upon.
These four principles about expectations from Pete Scazzero have been super helpful for me as I’ve continued to desire and pursue healthy relationships with those in my life. They’ve helped me process the expectations I have of myself, of God, and other people. One of the many things I love about Jesus was His curiosity about people. I mean if anyone had the right or ability to make assumptions about people it would be Jesus, wouldn’t it? He knew everyone he came into contact with more than they knew themselves even down to the deepest motivations of their heart. Even still, we often find Jesus asking questions, seeking clarity, managing expectations. One interaction from the life of Jesus that expresses this well can be found in the Gospel of Mark 10:46-52. Jesus asks Blind Bartimaeus this question; “What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus doesn’t assume that what seemed most obvious is what Bartimaeus wanted or needed from him. What would it look like to take this posture in your relationships? Clarified expectations help us to be present with the people we love in the ways that they need us to be present for them, and it equips them to do the same for us.
What would it look like to move from assumption to curiosity, and to move from unclear and uncommunicated expectations to clarity and understanding? I’ve found the reality that I’m a terrible mind reader and so are the people around me to be incredibly freeing, and I hope and pray the same for you!
Submitted by: Matt Korte