Responding not Reacting

Reactions are incredible windows into the things in our lives that live underneath the surface of our lives. They are real, vulnerable and rather enlightening. While actions can be easily manipulated, calculated, and very intentional in exposing aspects about something that we want to be exposed and keeping hidden things that we want to keep hidden, reactions typically do not afford us the same level of control. They are raw, and often not filtered. Scripture offers us this perspective as well in a number of ways, one of those being Luke 6:45 which says, “out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks.” The ways we react to things in real-time without having the luxury of space to consider and reflect are very telling of the condition of our hearts. This is such a grace that God gives us, exposing to us and many times to others the truer condition of our hearts than what we would probably describe when asked, How are you doing? At the same time, this creates some conflict in our relationships, doesn’t it?

I know it does for me. Recently I have experienced a few deaths from covid within my circle of friends and acquaintances. Unfortunately, this has been the reality for many people in my life. By this time in the pandemic, many of us have experienced the loss of a friend or family member, or minimally know someone who has. In addition to my personal experiences with this, I have heard from others experiencing the same thing. I’ll speak from my own experience and not those who have confided in me regarding their experiences. 

One of these losses was a friend who contracted covid, was in the hospital for some time, and eventually died. She was young, overall pretty healthy, and had been vaccinated. This was the type of loss from covid that there really isn’t much of an explanation for. Not that an explanation would make the loss any easier, but you get what I am saying. As I was telling people about this loss and inviting them to pray with me and the family and friends impacted by the loss I was honestly surprised by a few reactions. I probably shouldn’t have been considering all the things happening in our world and the increasing polarization happening surrounding this topic, but I was surprised nonetheless. Fascinatingly people with very opposing viewpoints reacted in almost the exact same way, which is increasingly becoming more common in my interactions with people who share a broad range of perspectives. One response to my telling about the loss of my friend due to covid was, “Did she have pre-existing conditions, and are you sure this isn’t a reaction to the vaccine?” and another reaction was, “I hope she received the vaccine, otherwise ….” That reaction ended abruptly as the person was realizing what they were about to say.

Initially, I was confused, enraged, and ultimately saddened. I’ve been left with the question as I am reflecting on these interactions and similar interactions several of my friends have been having. How did we get here? Political perspectives, personal values, and opinions on the topic aside, How have we gotten to a place where these types of questions are a reasonable initial reaction to loss, death, and grief? Can you imagine responding to the news of a friend's grandpa dying of a heart attack with, “what was his diet and exercise regiment like”? Of course not, that sounds insane, doesn’t it?

These reactions, while honest, weren’t humble, honorable, or helpful. We experience this dynamic in interactions regarding a number of topics, not only covid but these are my most recent interactions prompting some reflection, assessment in my own life, and general assessment of what is playing out amongst many people that I deeply love. I don’t offer my advice or perspective as an expert but as someone who often has to be honest about my reactions and repent for my reactions and actions that were not thoughtful, prayerful, or well counseled. Even in these reactions, I’m reminded of my own propensity to do the same thing. My hope is not to condemn those reacting to covid in this way, but to consider how our reactions reveal what is in our hearts and the impact they have on those around us. 

Again and again, I’m reminded of the importance of creating space to think, pray, reflect, and invite input between whatever is stimulating an emotionally charged reaction and making a response to what is happening in my life. This is a vital practice to learn and is increasingly serving my relationships well. Where this space has not been given, my relationships continue to suffer and my reactions although true, and real prove to not be very helpful. 

There are a few questions I regularly ask myself in this space between what is stimulating a reaction and what eventually becomes my response. I thought it may be helpful to share them with you.

Is this honest? 

Does what I'm about to say truly reflect how I feel about what is happening or what I am being asked about? How are any assumptions that I am making about this interaction playing into how I want to react in the moment? What projections am I making about the person and their circumstances may actually come from something about this that is currently triggering something from my past or present circumstances? 

Is this humble?

Is what I am about to say or do reflective of a desire to learn or reflective of my desire to prove a point or win an argument? Is the tone of my response defensive or dismissive? Does what I am about to say or do communicate love and honor for the person and their circumstances? 

Is this helpful? 

Does my reaction help the person or circumstance that I am reacting to? Does the person I am talking to want, need or desire to hear what I am about to say? Is what I am going to say appropriate for the circumstance and interaction? Does this interaction or circumstance need a response from me at all? 

These aren’t the only questions you could ask but questions I regularly ask myself between the space of feeling the urge to react to something or someone and slowly, reflectively offering a response. Also, I’m learning more and more that not everything needs a response from me. In slowing down thoughtfully considering, prayerfully considering, and inviting different perspectives I find a good amount of clarity regarding what I should and shouldn’t respond to. The slowing down brings clarity, clarity brings a great sense of intentionality of what is my responsibility and what isn’t my responsibility.

As you engage and interact and you are emotionally stimulated and feel pressure to react my encouragement and prayer for you and for me is to slow down, create some space, think, pray, get a broadened perspective. I believe this will help us to not react in a way that is neither honest, humble, or helpful but genuinely respond or not respond in ways that are honest, humble, and helpful! 

Submitted By: Matt Korte